


The Suffocating Breath in Our Lungs

by I_See_The_Stars_15



Series: Secrets Kept Close, Feelings Pushed Away [11]
Category: Hermitcraft RPF
Genre: Gen, Mild Hurt/Comfort, No Dialogue, Panic Attacks, eventually, he'll get better though, service pets (kinda), xB goes nonverbal and does not have a good time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:07:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28023696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_See_The_Stars_15/pseuds/I_See_The_Stars_15
Summary: There were days when xB didn't feel right, when he couldn't think, when he couldn't speak, when he couldn't breathe. On those days he wanted nothing more than to be alone, to let the numbness wash over him and wait to be able to feel again.Today just happens to be one of those days.
Series: Secrets Kept Close, Feelings Pushed Away [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1775941
Comments: 1
Kudos: 31





	The Suffocating Breath in Our Lungs

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Viper_Flower](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Viper_Flower/gifts).



xB was in a meeting with the other hermits but he was unable to pay attention. Everyone was talking about one thing or another, and the subject of the turf war was brought up once or twice, but he found himself incapable of listening to them. Their words were like static to his ear, background noise overshadowed by how loud his heart was thumping. His fingers were growing numb with how hard he gripped the seat of his chair, and when he found that the hard wood did nothing to help him he dug his nails into the flesh of his thigh instead, stopped only by the pair of jeans he was wearing. 

He was still aware of what was happening. If someone were to ask him about what the meeting was about later on, he'd give them a few details about how the server was going to go through a few days of optimization, about how Decked Out Ended, and how Halloween was for the hermits. He'd even tell you about the new glitch Grian observed with the snow on top of his mansion. 

Right now, however, he couldn't say a thing as the meeting ended. Where he normally felt relief at being able to stand up he now felt a weariness in his bones he couldn't shake away no matter how hard he tried. His body moved almost like he was on auto-pilot, and maybe he was. He certainly didn't give any thought to what he was doing, he just knew he needed to leave. 

Keralis tried to stop him to chat for a bit, and bless his soul he seemed to have realized he wasn't quite up to it. With a shaky smile and even shakier words, he excused himself, too tired to care about how raspy his voice was. Speaking was too hard for him at that moment, and every word that fell from his lips didn't feel like his. He left the shopping district as soon as Keralis nodded his approval, barely noticing the concern in his wide-eyes. 

The sky was clear and the clouds seemed non-existent as he flew. It was silent except for the firing of rockets that never registered in his mind anymore. He could have flown through the Nether, made the trip a whole lot shorter, but the sight of the swirling portal sent his stomach through a loop. 

Right now his mind was blank, unable to think of anything but how tight his chest felt, too tight. He could breathe just fine but with each breath of air he took he could feel enter his lungs, an unpleasant feeling to be sure, but a feeling nonetheless. Besides that he was numb to everything, flying over forests and jungles and mountains until he saw the familiar acacia trees that lined the perimeter of the area he called home. 

He flew above the quaint houses of Casa, and he ignored the post-apocalyptic builds his friends made nearby. His eyes were set on the flying cylinder-like base, the hum of the beacon filling his ears. 

He landed smoothly, perhaps too smoothly, on the quartz and glass floor. With mechanical movements he freed himself of his heavy netherite armor and unstrapped the elytra on his back, the thin membrane almost worn out from his flight. He ignored the need to repair it in favor of placing it in one of his many storage chests. He rolled up the legs of his pants to his upper thighs and sat on the edge of the small pond he placed in the middle of his very much unused base. 

He took his communicator, feeling it vibrating still with the messages of the other hermits going on about their days. His fingers slid over the smooth screen, tracing one of the faint but very much present scratches on it from when he had carelessly thrown the device in one of his more violent episodes. He may not be feeling the same urge now but he definitely didn't want to risk damaging it even more. He turned it off, making the hermits know he was AFK before he placed it on the floor beside him. 

He dipped his feet into the ice-cold water, the shock alleviating the weight on his chest just the slightest bit. He planted his hands firm on the cold quartz, the sudden change in temperature helping his breathing to even out slowly. He leaned his body weight onto his hands as he reclined his back, closing his eyes and paying attention to his breathing. 

Each breath he took rattled his lungs, all the more prominent in the relative silence. There was nothing but the soft hum of the beacon and the quiet chittering of the guardians below. 

He was thankful Impulse was kind enough to give him the creatures for free. They may be occasionally hostile but they reminded him of a time when things were perhaps simpler, when the world didn't feel too big and too suffocating. They made for the perfect companions when their scaly tails brushed against his exposed legs, when they would peek above the water and let xB run his hand on top of their heads, mindful of the areas he knew were hiding their spikes. They seemed tame enough, used to his presence. 

This wasn't the first time he did this, nor did he think this would be the last. He sometimes found the world to be too overwhelming. His mind would shut down, ears either pick up nothing or everything at once, and it would feel like each step he took carried so much weight. It was on days like these that he felt numb, where not even regret could fill his heart. Any and all thoughts disappeared, any word he wanted to say stuck in his mind as it clung to the walls of his throat. There was no way to force them out, even if he wanted to. It didn't have a trigger, nor could he predict when an episode would happen and how it would happen. Sometimes he'd be more aggressive, throwing things left and right and punching the walls. Sometimes he'd be curled up in his bed shaking as tears dripped down his face for no reason. Sometimes, and this must be one of those times, he was unfeeling, letting the world pass by him in a blur.

One of his guardians swam up beside him, peeking up almost shyly. The name tag made it known that this was F1recrackr, an odd name to be sure but the person it was named after was certainly dear enough to him. He raised a hand to touch the smooth scales that lined the top of its head, absentmindedly tracing around the small indents he knew were hiding spikes. 

There really wasn't much he could do when one of his episodes struck but wait it out. The quiet certainly made it easier, but it wasn't the cure. The silence wouldn't suddenly give him his emotions back, nor would it give him the courage to speak up and suddenly have the words start flowing through his mouth again. 

No, the quiet can't do any of that. Instead, it was the sanctity of this base that perhaps protected him, or at the very least kept him safe. Up in a pond in the sky, he felt grounded, more comfortable in the presence of the guardians than the hermits. It was peaceful, even if he couldn't appreciate it at the moment. 

When a few hours pass he will get back to work. He will improve his base or check out whatever new thing the others came up with. He will act as though he was ok, as though his episode never happened, as though he wasn’t at risk of another episode any time soon. 

But that would come later. For now, he let the heavy air pass through his lungs, let the water cool his feet, let the smooth scales give him something to hold on to. He'd be alright, he just needed time, and that was the one thing he had an abundance of in the area of the world he called his home.

**Author's Note:**

> xB needs more love and content and so I will make that content myself. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!


End file.
